The naked truth

Therre were lots of things I didn't know or expect about becoming a mother.

I didn't expect that my relationship with baby Jack would have similar ebb and flow as other relationships in my life. I thought that once the baby came out, I'd be overwhelmed with a wave of all-consuming love which would be constant until the kid became a teenager, at which time the love would be replaced with overwhelming irritation.

But my love for Jack grows every day in depth and nuance. Each day, we peel back another layer of intimacy. When he first arrived, I felt a lioness-like instinct to protect him from harm and keep him warm and safe and fed. But he was still a little stranger to me and I kept him at a distance in subtle ways.

When we brought him home, I always breastfed him sitting up, while I cradled him in my arms. This is the position I'd seen on movies. I read about the lying down position for breastfeeding, but this felt very risque. It was weeks before I felt brave enough to try. The first time I brought him into our bed and took my top off so that he could feed, I felt very shy and naughty at the same time. The sensuousness of feeling his rounded little belly pressed against mine; the cosy sound of his snuffling sucking muffled by the warm duvet nestled around us; the featherlight touch of his starfish hand splayed open on my breast; this all felt forbidden in a sweaty earth mother kind of way.

I realised that most of the time I was spending with Jack we were both fully clothed. It was weeks before I felt like I knew him well enough to take my clothes off! Then I got the courage to have a bath with him, and I'm sure I was blushing as I stripped off and climbed in the warm water where he lay waiting on his baby bath hammock. But the delighted smile he gave me melted away my self-consciousness and we had great fun together.